April – Transparency, Favour, Tears, Blessings

A month full of transparency, brokenness, laughter and recovery. I have experienced what it feels like to be up and what it feels to be low. I have seen many couples celebrating weddings and engagements. I have fallen for people who didn’t realise my worth. I nearly forgot who I was for someone who was as broken as I was, so I came to myself. Then again, we are human, God understands how we are and how we feel; we fall, we stumble, we cry, but in the end, we get up and keep moving forward because life never stops, you see. I used one harsh product on my face that made the skin under my eyes break out. No amount of foundation could cover it, but thankfully I rectified it by using my normal facial products. Dry skin gone! mini-testimony No matter how many times you want to change something, your usual comfort zone will always be your preferred choice. In times of hardship and conflict, it is in the midst of it all that you find God’s Hand in your life. Indeed, I saw it all.

Sometimes, my words can’t really express how I feel because my tears don’t allow me to utter a word. I’m just consumed by the heaviness in my heart that prevents me from hearing God’s voice, YET He still finds a way to deliver me. He is my King and Saviour. Just because I smile doesn’t mean you know what I am going through. It applies to everyone; despite it all, I am learning to embrace the beauty of God and His kind, gentle character. He is slow to speak and quick to love. His love silences my fears. Perhaps I was feeding my mind with negative thoughts without realising, or maybe I wanted to be my own counsellor? Hmm…

Every insecurity and low self-esteem have to give way to Almighty God because our problems are insignificant in the Lord’s eyes. I have witnessed blessings that I was not expecting. Instead of complaining, I chose to embrace it and cherish it as my own. I understand that what we ask for won’t always be giving to us when we expect it, but only in accordance with God’s timing. I was broken at the same time as blessings can bring burdens. There is pressure in enjoying what God has given you – understanding that there are people who are in their seasons. One must be careful of what to say when plans are going well for you but not the other person. If one is emotionally weak, you will fall for it and start becoming resentful.

I was humbled by the people I didn’t expect to open up and express how they felt at the time. All I had to do was listen because the pain alone kept me quiet. I didn’t realise people go through so much until they become selfless. I used their story as a reflection of mine. I am not an open book as such, unless relevant and according to the season. Maybe I was trying to stay away from being misunderstood. But I saw it as God prompting me to speak out. It should be noted that every obstacle has an opportunity of being revealed in due course. You can’t force someone to speak out when they are not ready. Give people time to heal, and in the meantime work on yourself; check your heart and inner motives. Their burdens broke me in order to bless them in the end. It wasn’t for my entertainment…

The Easter break, we celebrated the life of Jesus Christ who died on the Cross for mankind! When I ponder on the goodness of Jesus, it humbles me to the extent where nothing that comes my way should move me. He paid an expensive price for you and I. He took our shame and sin away. How deep is His love for us? His love covers ALL my insecurities,¬†my health, my finances, He protects me when going out and coming back. He picks me up and tells me I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He reminds me that no matter what I do or don’t do, it won’t stop Him from loving me.

Where I am positioned now is for a strategic purpose – to serve other people and be a blessing. He teaches me how to enjoy my life and what He has given me; to not be afraid to explore and try out new things. I was able to meet new people and make friends this month. I also accomplished my 2nd book (Completion) which is coming out soon so watch out! Most of my achievements¬†were birthed in April – but guess what, they did not come easy. They came with tears falling down my eyes, as I knelt down to pray by myself. It took sacrifice staying 12 hours every other day after work to finish my project whilst most people went home. It took concentration despite the unnecessary drama. But above all, it took Christ’s sacrifice which was fulfilled on the Cross – all to Him I owe.

To an extent, I was trying to figure out what path God’s taking me to, but I had to stop being so inquisitive and let go naturally. I had to stop worrying my precious mind to prevent it from over-thinking. God speaks clearly but I tend to allow how I feel at that moment take over. I have been spiritually weak and emotionally strong which should be the opposite, but God still has a way to say when you are weak, I AM STRONG! He is the I AM!

I realise that everything that is in my hand is not mine; it is God’s. What I have today is for the Glory of God. It is not mine but He teaches me to use them to bless others. He allows me to enjoy the benefits of my labour because He sees my intentions; not to be above anyone, but at the same time not to underestimate myself. Not to hide my blessings but enjoy them to the fullest. I learnt to open up to hurting people as they were able to do the same. I didn’t realise that broken people were a reflection of me. As they shed a tear, I also shed one or maybe two…

I knew the burden was too heavy to carry so God used them to open up and allow me to relate. I felt so much pain because my mind was focused on image, trying to keep up with everything, not realising there is only so much I could take. I knew my breaking point and put a stop to what made me want to operate in the flesh. I took back my authority from the enemy and started to walk in God’s integrity. I understood that what was stopping me from being free was keeping everything inside; God put people in my life to open up to, so why didn’t I take the advantage, when other people were encouraging me with their issues…

All the insecurities and downfalls made sense in the end – that it was all working out for my good. He reminded me that nothing I went through in April will be wasted. Some have stayed and others have left, but one thing I know for sure is that God will always remain. He is stable and very reliable. He has been with me throughout April, all to Him I owe. I have been misunderstood and I am sure you have too – I guess that is why I am different – there is beauty in being unique. I stand on this greatly.

Most of my greatest strengths came from April; the times I found it difficult to sleep, waking up with countless thoughts on my mind. I had to take a break from my own thoughts and start giving thanks. I couldn’t afford to stay in a box. I am called to do more. Perhaps the handshake the gentleman expressed could be the start of something new…but above all, it has been a month of transparency, favour, tears and blessings.

Be real about what you go through, you won’t always get it right but God is Faithful to examine our hearts.

Thank you, God – I’m ready for MAY!

Peace & Blessings x

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